


Petra's Letter

by valisi



Series: Vespers [12]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Era, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-13 10:40:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7973839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valisi/pseuds/valisi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Petra left a letter behind for Levi, and Erwin wishes Levi had never read it. But it motivates Levi to ask Erwin for something he needs. They may have never said such things to each other if it had not been for Petra.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>  <i>“As long as I can have you, I want you!” Levi's voice filled the room.</i></p>
<p> </p>
<p>  <i>“Did you know what I was thinking?” Erwin thought. “Do you know that you have the upper hand now, Levi? I can't be perfect for you anymore, darling.”</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was the third piece I wrote, but I've been posting chronologically. So I've been waiting to post this since July, and I can't wait anymore. 
> 
> Here's a playlist I made for it. It uses songs to make communications between the characters, or the songs address the situation. 
> 
> http://8tracks.com/valisi/petra-s-letter

Eren was still unsure that Annie was the Female Titan, but he couldn't find the words to deny Armin's evidence. He just felt like it couldn't be true. 

“This meeting is concluded. Speak with me after you've escorted Eren back to his room, Levi,” the Commander said. He stood. Armin, Mikasa, Jean and the Commander's assistant stood with him. Erwin walked past everyone and opened the door to lead. Armin put a hand on Eren's shoulder and squeezed it. Eren looked up at him, but Armin was already walking away. 

Levi waited until everyone had left the room. Eren still looked to be in complete shock. 

“Let's go, Eren,” Levi said. Carefully, Levi stood and massaged his leg some more. When Levi took a step, he had a slight limp, but he forced himself to accept the pain. He knew that he needed to use the leg gently, but being slow annoyed him. 

Eren stood and followed Levi. Levi opened the door and began walking towards the room in the basement where Eren had always slept. Eren was in a daze and didn't close the door behind him. They walked in silence for most of the way.

“Captain,” Eren finally spoke. Levi didn't look behind him. He focused on the walk. “When you said no one knows how things will turn out, that applies to everything doesn't it. It doesn't just apply to times when you have to make a hard decision.” 

“Yes,” Levi said simply. 

“So Annie could have a good reason,” Eren sounded like he was begging. “Her Titan ability could have happened to her in the same way that it happened to me. It probably isn't her fault!” 

“Who knows,” Levi said. “However, even if you are the same in that single way, Annie does not have your best interest in mind.” Eren thought back to when Annie spent time to teach him how to fight. It hurt Eren to know that she was training him to fight her specifically. She had purposely given him an advantage. Eren doubted the Captain's words. 

“Maybe she needs help,” Eren offered sheepishly. 

“She murdered your comrades, Eren,” Levi's tone was firm but quiet, and his jaw was clenched. "Murderers don't need heroes." 

_“But I'm a murderer,”_ Eren thought. 

Eren's room was coming up on the right, and Levi slowed down. 

“I'm not locking the door tonight, Eren,” Levi said. “Be upstairs and ready to leave at 0600. It's a long way to Sina. I'm not coming down here to get you.” 

“Yes, sir,” Eren said. Levi opened the door and Eren walked into it without making eye contact. Levi closed the door quietly behind the boy. That night was one of the few times Levi wished he had Erwin's way with words. Eren deserved some comfort, but Levi had none to offer. 

Levi left Eren behind and focused on Erwin's orders. He wondered what Erwin needed to discuss. 

 

It took Levi a little longer than usual to get to the office he had been using. The stairs were the slowest part of his walk because Levi had to lead himself with his good leg. When he finally made it to the office, the door was open, and Erwin was inside the room waiting for him. A candle was lit, and Erwin was standing, staring out of the window into the dark night. Levi walked in and closed the door. He went to the chair behind the desk and sat down. He swiveled in the chair to look up at Erwin. Levi rested his arms on the chair and lifted a hand to rest his face against a fist. 

“How is your leg?” Erwin asked. 

“Sore,” Levi said. 

“What did the medic say?” Erwin asked. He looked over to Levi. 

“There's no bone damage. That's all he could tell in the field,” Levi explained. 

“You need a doctor then.” 

“It can wait.” 

“How long will you be grounded?” 

“Not long, probably.”

“Good,” Erwin said. Levi waited for Erwin to say something more, and he didn't. Erwin gazed down at Levi, but quickly looked away. 

“What is it, Erwin,” Levi asked flatly. He was tired and felt like sleeping before they had to move again. Erwin was being quiet, and that could only mean that he was having trouble trusting himself speaking.

“Levi,” Erwin said. “What was Petra Ral to you?” Levi's brows pinched together.

“What?” 

“Before I left headquarters,” Erwin paused. “A financial officer approached me about an irregularity in the paperwork for your team.” 

“An irregularity,” Levi repeated with an obvious tone of annoyance. 

“All of your men listed their beneficiaries as the next of kin except Petra. Petra named you as her beneficiary for her saved wages, Levi.” Erwin took something out of the breast pocket of his jacket. “She also left a letter.” Erwin turned the seal of the letter to Levi to show it was unbroken. 

Levi's eyes widened. He felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up when he looked at the piece of paper in Erwin's hand, and he took his face away from his hand. He felt Erwin's eyes on him, and he looked up to meet them. There was something in Erwin's eyes that he didn't recognize. It looked like disapproval, but Levi didn't understand why.

“So I'll ask you again, Levi,” Erwin said. “What was Petra to you?” Levi clenched both of his fists.

“Well, Erwin,” Levi sneered. “She was the glue to my team. She was my comrade. She was the one who kept everyone in line when I wasn't around. Petra was completely dedicated to mankind's salvation and the destruction of Titans, Erwin. But you knew all of that. So what exactly are you trying to get me to say?” Erwin stared at Levi intensely, and Levi disliked that he felt Erwin was legitimately looking down on him for the first time. 

“Were you close with her?” 

“I was close to every fucking one of them, Erwin.” Erwin's tone lowered considerably then.

“So why would Petra, specifically, name you as her beneficiary?” 

“Maybe,” Levi snapped. “It's in the fucking letter, smartass.” Levi's entire body was tense, and Erwin felt equally offended by Levi's tone and body language. Erwin held the letter out to Levi, and he snatched it out his hand. 

Levi held the letter for a moment and stared at the seal. There was no stamp in the wax. Levi visibly softened when the letter was in his hand. He swallowed and lifted a hand to open the seal. He faltered at first and then peeled the seal from the paper. His throat suddenly felt dry when he lifted the page to read it. 

__

> _Captain Levi,_

> _
> 
> If you are reading this then I have sacrificed my life for the sake of humanity's freedom. 
> 
> _

> _
> 
> I know it's strange to name you as my beneficiary. I didn't intend to insult my parents with this action. Honestly, I couldn't think of another way to call your attention to this letter when the time was right, Captain. I hope that you are not scrutinized and suspected because of my strange choice. Please show this letter to the Commander if he questions my motivation.
> 
> _

Levi gritted his teeth.

__

> _Captain Levi, I've admired you and have been infatuated with you for so long. When you asked me to join your team, I was overjoyed. It made me feel so important to know that you wanted my skills, and I have been completely dedicated to you since then. I know, in the past, I've let Oluo distract me. Any other leader may have separated us as soon as it became apparent that we could not get along,but you trusted us. I'm so glad that you were patient._

__

> _Thank you for giving me the strength to fight. Being part of your team has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. You have made such a great impact on the people around you, Captain, but I feel like you don't see that. Even if you've never allowed anyone to get close to you, I want you to know how important you are and that you have influence over people._

__

> _I was too young to understand how you have affected my life when I joined your team, but I've seen you work with Eren. He's going to be an amazing soldier, Captain. It will be because of you._

 

Levi felt all of the blood drain out of his face. A strong sense of nausea raised from Levi's stomach and he bent forward. No matter how strongly he resisted, his eyes would not stop passing across the page. But his hand was shaking now. 

__

> _You're my best friend, Captain. There is something I've hidden from you and everyone else. Even though it hardly matters now, I still wanted you to know. I wanted you to know the impact that you have had on my life. I don't believe that I could rest peacefully if I felt like I had died while keeping such a great secret from you._

__

> _Oluo and I fell in love, Captain. If he is still alive, please find a way to comfort him._

Levi had to put the paper down for a moment. He didn't look up at Erwin. However, Erwin had been staring at Levi for the entire time, and the growing distress on Levi's face was unsettling. And then Levi started to look sick. 

“Don't continue if you'll regret it,” Erwin's tone was gentle now. It was only a suggestion. Levi considered not finishing the letter at all. With his free hand, Levi rubbed his forehead a bit, and took a minute. It wasn't necessary for Petra to tell him these things, but he knew that she just wanted to share how she felt with him. He didn't give her the opportunity to do it when she was alive. She deserved to be heard now. 

Levi swallowed hard and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath. 

“It's fine,” Levi insisted. The nausea had not subsided, and Levi bent over hoping to relieve some of it. He lifted the page to his face. When he opened his eyes, he quickly devoured the words, as if reading them faster would make them less painful. 

__

> _I don't really know how to describe how close we were. There were times when we were alone together at night, and he was so calm. He wasn't the asshole that he typically was when he was around the other men. Soon after that, I realized that I was really fond of that secret Oluo, the real Oluo. It didn't take long before I realized that he felt similarly towards me. _

__

> _Things moved quickly after that. We would meet at night and talk until dawn. We talked about marriage, and we fantasized about having children together. Naturally, Oluo could only talk about having a son, but I mentioned how nice it would be to have a little girl. Then, to my surprise, Oluo insisted that if we had a girl, he wished he could name her after your mother._

A rush of heat reached his face, and then Levi dry heaved so hard that drool dripped from the edges of his mouth. The paper fell from his hand and floated down to the floor. Levi put a hand to his mouth and clenched his closed eyelids. All of the memories that Levi had let go so long ago now returned to him. The sound of his own retching had reminded him of his mother's final days before she finally laid down for the last time. 

Erwin's eyes opened wide with shock, and he picked the letter up from the floor. After reading the letter quickly to himself, Erwin saw the part that had crushed Levi. The letter was long, and Levi had not read the entire thing. Most of it could be skipped, but there was one part that could not be passed over. 

“If you're reading this,” Erwin read to Levi quietly. “Then I am a mother of freedom. That motherhood is just as precious to me as it would be to have a child. I am the mother of many children many generations from now. I know you'll do the right thing with this inheritance, Captain.” Erwin laid the letter on the desk next to Levi. 

The feeling of vomit trying to rise from Levi's stomach again was pure torment. Nothing came up. There was nothing on his stomach to vomit. Levi couldn't take a deep breath anymore, and he could feel the hand in front of his mouth trembling. Even through all of the discomfort, he was hyper-aware of Erwin still standing close to him and staring at him. Cautiously, Levi took his hand away from his mouth.

“Erwin,” Levi whispered and his voice still wavered. “I want some privacy.” Erwin's eyes, still wide with confusion and worry, gazed over Levi and took in the entire picture of the devastation. 

“No,” Erwin said. Sudden movement startled Erwin enough that he jumped. Levi lashed out and back handed the candle stick and its holder off the desk. The brass candle holder flew across the room and crashed against the wall. The light extinguished with the blow, and now only some weak moonlight lit the room. In the dark, the only sound left after the clang of the candle holder falling was Levi's labored breaths of rage. 

Erwin left Levi's side and walked across the room. He found the darkest corner and stood there with his back to the wall. Erwin crossed his arms. 

Levi turned in the chair and laid his forehead on the desk in front of him. He wrapped his arms around his stomach. Levi begged his body to vomit. He thought of the most repulsive things that he could. Filthy toilets. Scum water. Lice. Bed bugs. Nothing worked. The discomfort would not ease. It had been a mistake to read it.

At first, Levi was crushed with so much information that his pulse and mind raced. His breathing was fast and shallow. Levi could not remember his mother's face even though he tried. He tried so hard to remember anything about her. Did his mother ever laugh even once in his life? Because he couldn't remember anymore. He could only remember that her hair smelled liked smoke even though she didn't use tobacco. Then, he remembered the gnawing pain of starvation and the smell of her body rotting while he sat across the room from it. Only smells were left, and nothing pleasant remained of her at all. 

Involuntarily, Levi then envisioned a little girl who was named after the mother of humanity's strongest. He lifted his hands from his stomach and put them on either side of his head and tried to drown out the vision. Again, he tried to distract himself with absolutely anything. He couldn't stop thinking about her. The imagined little girl's life flashed before his eyes, and he was powerless to stop it. 

This Kuchel had Oluo's hair color and Petra's eyes, but she had no parents to raise her. So Levi taught her how to hold a knife. Then, Erwin taught her how to read. Hange taught her science and curiosity. Mike taught her how to be creepy, much to Levi's disapproval. Nanaba tried to smooth over Mike's influence, but it barely worked. Survey Corps headquarters was her home. She had three hundred brothers and sisters, and she attended many funerals.

Levi threw a shit fit when she was old enough to decide she wanted to join the Survey Corps. He insisted she join the Military Police. It was the most hypocritical thing he had ever done. Erwin took Kuchel's side as always. However, Erwin stipulated that she would only be allowed into the Survey Corps if she was in the top ten of her class. Naturally, she ranked number three. Levi imagined Kuchel's entire life up until Erwin's death, and his own fate quickly followed. And then he imagined Kuchel alone. Eventually, all she had left of the people that she loved was the metallic smell of their blood and the visions of their deaths. Just like Levi. 

Erwin stood in the dark and felt his resentment for Petra growing. It was cruel enough that soldiers were psychologically driven to make bonds with each other due to the nature of their work, but Petra had only driven the knife farther in Levi's back. If she was going to die, she should have done so without inflicting more pain on the living. Erwin closed his eyes and attempted to rest his worried mind. They couldn't have this right now. He should have just read the damned thing and burned it. Then, a familiar feeling, guilt, washed over him again. Petra had not done this to hurt Levi. She loved him. But Erwin would've taken that away from Levi if it would've spared him from this pain. 

Levi held tightly to the idea of Petra, Oluo, Gunther and Eld giving life to the next generation of humanity. His fingernails were digging into his scalp now, and he hoped the skin would pop under the pressure. He hoped that he could hold so tightly to his Squad's sacrifice that the little girl named Kuchel would be crushed in the force of his grip. Levi said goodbye to the little girl, and was not sorry that she never had the chance to grow up in his cruel world.


	2. Chapter 2

“Erwin,” Levi said finally. Erwin lifted his head. He had lost track of time while he was standing there. Perhaps he had slept some. “Come here.” The tone of Levi's voice was strange and weak.

Erwin leaned away from the wall and walked slowly back over to Levi. He felt apprehension in his spine but ignored it. 

Levi sat up from the desk, but Erwin could not see the details of Levi's face well in the dark. Only the larger movements of their bodies were obvious.

“Half of the money is going to capturing the Female Titan,” Levi ordered. “The other half is going to Petra's family.” 

“Excellent decision,” Erwin nodded. 

“There's something else,” Levi's jaw clenched. 

“I'm still here.” That statement irritated Levi even more because of what he had prepared himself to say. 

“Every time you've ever said anything about dying, you always make it sound like you'll die first,” Levi accused. 

“I will,” Erwin confirmed absolutely. 

“Why?” 

“Because you don't have permission to die, Levi.” Erwin tilted his head to the side trying to see Levi's reaction in the dark, but it was useless. “Not until you've done everything you're capable of doing to save us.” Levi was quiet for a while, and Erwin considered lighting a match to light the candle again if it was still in one piece. It was imperative for him to be able to see Levi's face right now. 

“I've made a decision too.”

“Tell me.”

“You aren't going to die until I can bear this responsibility on my own,” Levi said firmly. Erwin let the words hang in the air, and he studied them. 

“That's not a fair promise for me to make, Levi,” Erwin said. The hard sound of Levi's palms against the desk rang in the air and he stood with some effort. He turned his body and faced Erwin fully by putting his weight on his good leg. 

“You'd better have a good fucking reason,” Levi said with a low and threatening tone. He knew that Erwin would say some stupid shit. At first, Erwin wanted to admonish Levi for standing at all, but they were beyond that now apparently. Levi was now beyond reason. 

“Once we implement this plan to save Eren and capture the Female Titan, I may be executed for treason without a trial.” 

“And who has the authority to do that?” Levi already had this information, but he wanted Erwin to say it.

“Nile, Pixis or Zackley,” Erwin said. 

“Then Nile.” 

“Probably,” Erwin confirmed. 

“But he's no fucking problem.” 

“If he gives me enough time to overwhelm him, then I will, because I want to see this mission.” Levi felt familiar irritation rising throughout his body. Only Erwin could make him feel this angry this quickly. 

“Levi,” Erwin said. “Stop borrowing trouble. You should be fully focused on grooming Eren like we discussed.” 

“I am,” Levi grumbled. 

“Then what, _exactly_ , is your problem?” Erwin was purposely provoking Levi. He felt like it was dangerous to do that now because Levi suddenly seemed so fragile. But he felt legitimate pity for Levi in that moment, and he despised that feeling. Pity never suited Levi even when he deserved it. 

“I'm trying to keep you,” Levi growled through clenched teeth. Erwin didn't really understand what Levi was trying to say. 

“What?” Erwin snapped. Levi lost his temper then.

“As long as I can have you, I want you!” Levi's voice filled the room. His voice was so much more stunning in the dark. Normally, Erwin would be reading Levi's face to give him direction, and now he couldn't see any of the small micro-expressions that would advise him of how to proceed. 

“Levi,” Erwin paused but decided to continue. “If humanity needs my life, I cannot refuse. I have asked too many people to give everything for me to only give a little in return.” Levi turned his head away.

“That's bullshit.”

“Look at me, Levi!” Erwin demanded loudly. They could not see each other well in the dark, and Levi wondered how Erwin knew he had looked away, as if Erwin could sense his eyes on him. Levi did turn back until his eyes were on Erwin again. “I am not a weakling! When the time comes, I will dedicate all of my energy to staying alive. I will give you time to do what you feel like you need to do, but if humanity needs my life, then you cannot deny these children that gift. Do not take away the little honor that I have left by demanding I live past my time!” 

“All this fucking talk of humanity!” Levi shot back. “Give this shit up already! Things have changed, Erwin. One brat shifting into a Titan was enough! But now there's another who's willing to kill all of us! Humanity itself is turning on us! Fuck humanity!” There was the distinct heat of rage rising in Erwin's backbone then. All of the patience he would normally have was wearing thin. They were exhausted. The stress of knowing the day after tomorrow might be his last day alive was turning his stomach. And now Levi wanted to pick a fight. It surprised both of them when Erwin reached out in the dark and grabbed Levi by the chest of his shirt in a firm fist. Thankfully, Erwin still had enough wits about him to not try and pull Levi forward and possibly hurt his leg more. 

“That lump of meat pumping blood in your chest is not yours anymore!” Erwin's voice was louder than it had ever been, and it echoed throughout the room. The fist in Levi's shirt was so tight it threatened to rip the fabric. “You've dedicated it to humanity, Levi, just like I have!” 

“ _No_. I surrendered to you, Erwin,” Levi asserted the words, but he wasn't yelling anymore. “Just you.” The tone and emphasis left Erwin speechless. He recoiled and let go of Levi's shirt. The stunned silence hung heavily in the air. “Humanity and I just happen to both revolve around you being alive.” The words had hit Erwin harder in the gut than any fist would have. In fact, Erwin wished that Levi had just punched him instead. Any physical violence would have been kinder than Levi's words. 

“Take it back, Levi,” Erwin demanded. His volume was regulated again. All of the anger in his voice had been washed away by frightened confusion. Levi couldn't do this to him. Not now. 

“Don't act like this is any fucking news to you,” Levi snapped. It had crossed Erwin's mind before. In fact, he knew that what Levi had said was true, and that's why it hurt so much. It was just so brutal to finally hear the words in that dark room. Erwin had never heard Levi say it out loud so he had always pretended that it wasn't real. Now, Levi left no room for argument. It felt more taboo than anything they had said or done to each other before. Nothing had ever caused Erwin to feel so imbalanced. The air felt so heavy in the room that Erwin thought he couldn't breathe it. He couldn't allow Levi to do this. 

Humanity was an abstract. Humanity, as a whole, could not betray them. There could never come a time that they would regret fighting for humanity. But Erwin knew that he was fallible. If Levi was only fighting for him, then Levi may stop fighting if Erwin ever disappointed him. Levi might leave him. If Levi left, he would take half of Erwin with him. 

Now, Erwin was also pursuing a personal goal instead of just trying to gain their freedom. It made him feel guilty even if the goal and freedom were related. They were on the same path, but he was putting some of his brain's energy into chasing down that dream. And if Levi ever found that out, he knew that Levi would lose faith. 

“Say something, you idiot,” Levi whispered. Erwin shook his head trying to clear it. 

“I'm sorry,” Erwin stammered automatically. Those words had been repeating in his mind. “For all of it.” He swallowed hard and realized that his mouth had been hanging open with shock. Still struggling for the right words, Erwin quickly said whatever came to his mind. “Dying is probably the only freedom you have left, Levi, but I can't let you have it just-” He was too afraid to finish the sentence. He needed Levi much more than Levi needed him. 

“Just because you die on me,” Levi finished it for him. The tone was absolutely venomous. Erwin closed his eyes and tried to calm down. A flurry of emotions was clouding his mind, and he couldn't find exactly what he wanted to say. Dying and leaving Levi alone was deplorable, but it may be necessary one day. The distinct feeling of regret threatened to rise in Erwin's chest, and he wasn't sure he could control it. So he could only settle for whatever came from his mouth naturally.

“I shouldn't have put my hands on you,” Erwin offered. “I apologize, Levi.” Erwin wanted to leave the room. 

“I almost punched you,” Levi admitted. His hands had been clenched into fists the entire time. Levi whispered an apology, but Erwin couldn't fully hear the words. And he didn't want them anyway.

“I wish you had,” Erwin said in a way that sounded more like a plea, and a gasp followed those words. The burning heat of despair was thick in his chest now. He wanted to confess his dream, but he couldn't risk Levi's disgust. Levi shook his head in disbelief of what they had done to each other, and Erwin's voice sounded so foreign. All of the confidence that normally weighed heavy in Erwin's voice had been sucked dry. Levi knew he had done it to him. In the dark, Levi cautiously reached out to find Erwin. It didn't matter what he touched as long as the barrier between them could break. This world would tear them apart if they let it, and he felt far away from Erwin. His finger tips found a button of Erwin's shirt first. Then he felt around it, and realized he was touching Erwin's abdomen. 

The touch was so tender, and it instantly returned Erwin's calm to his mind. Even though Levi really had every right to hate him now, the man had still reached out to him for comfort. 

_“Did you know what I was thinking?”_ Erwin thought. _“Do you know that you have the upper hand now, Levi? I can't be perfect for you anymore, darling.”_ Large hands found Levi's hand in the dark and followed slender arm up to his shoulder. Then, his hands found Levi's face. Knowing Levi's location, Erwin stepped forward and framed Levi's face in both of his hands.

“Levi, you are my strongest soldier, but this time Titan slaying is not enough.” Levi's face felt hot and wet under Erwin's hands. Erwin wished he knew if it was sweat or tears. “I need you to be strong enough to carry all of mankind on your back.” Levi quivered when he inhaled and released the breath heavily. His leg was screaming at him now, and he had broken out in a hot sweat. Angry tears had been seeping from his eyes. Even if they lived through tomorrow, they couldn't ever be the same now. He couldn't take his words back. Not just because they were true, but because he hoped that Erwin really would make an effort to live longer if he knew that Levi was only fighting for him. Humanity had never done a damned thing for Levi.

Levi swayed a bit, and Erwin felt it. Just when Levi felt like he couldn't stand anymore, Erwin wrapped his arms around Levi's waist and picked him up off the floor. Levi reached around Erwin and held onto him tightly. His weak legs hung below him, but his fists grasped Erwin's jacket. Then, Levi hid his face in the crook of Erwin's neck. One of Erwin's hands rested on the back of Levi's head.

“I'm sorry, Erwin,” Levi whispered. 

“I know,” Erwin nodded. “I am too, Levi. I took it too far. Please forgive me.” Levi clung to Erwin so tight that it hurt his fingers. 

“I want to keep fighting,” Levi admitted. “I'm not ready to stop.” 

“I haven't given up,” Erwin promised. 

“We're getting the fuck out of here when this is over,” Levi whispered to himself. 

“We won't ever come back.” Erwin ran his hands through Levi's soft hair. “You're going to stand up straight and follow me,” Erwin said firmly with all of the conviction in his heart. “I'm going to lead us to freedom.” That promise felt weak now, but Erwin really did want to give that to Levi. He wanted freedom for both of them. Humanity was still the priority. He just needed to fulfill this one dream too, and then he swore to himself that he would give Levi anything. If Levi could allow him to be selfish until this was finished, Erwin would give him anything at all. Levi pulled his face away from Erwin and looked up. He couldn't see his face very well, but he wanted to believe Erwin was smiling down at him.

Magnetically, their faces moved closer until their lips touched gently. There wasn't any urgency in the kiss. It was slow and tame. Even when Erwin's tongue parted Levi's lips, the passion didn't flare in their chest like it normally would have. Exhaustion and uncertainty had separated them from the usual need that they felt for each other, and their kiss was only a reminder that the other man was still there and alive in the quiet, dark room. Even though they needed all night to lick each other's wounds, time wasn't a luxury that they had anymore, and they knew they may never have it again. Levi only pulled away when he felt that he absolutely had to say something.

“I believe you, Erwin,” Levi breathed the words. They were sacred. It was the only prayer Levi had ever learned to say. 

“I believe in you too, Levi.” Erwin had sworn that in blood on the battlefield many times. Levi was the only constant he had left, and he pulled him close again. Levi allowed himself to be held for a while longer. It was a rare instance in their time together, and normally he fought it. Tonight, he didn't want to be anywhere else, but the pain in his leg wouldn't cease. And he couldn't admit that and let Erwin worry about him more. 

“I want a cigarette,” Levi said. He pushed at Erwin's chest, wanting to get down. Carefully, Erwin lowered Levi's feet to the floor, and Levi backed up until he could sit down in the chair again. He couldn't suppress the grunt of pain followed by the sigh of relief. Erwin reached in his back pocket and took out his cigarette tin. He opened it and lit a match. It gave Erwin just enough light to find the candle. Surprisingly, it had not broken in two. Maybe Levi didn't hit it as hard as Erwin had originally thought.

Once the candle was in its holder and in place on the desk, Erwin lit it with another match. The match lasted long enough for Erwin to pull a cigarette out of his tin and light it. He inhaled and waved the match until it extinguished. With unusual carelessness, Erwin dropped the spent matchstick on the desk. He dragged on the cigarette and breathed out. Levi reached up and took the cigarette. 

That's when Erwin took the time to finally look at Levi's face. He was flushed red, and sweat and tears had almost soaked his forehead and cheeks. Erwin swallowed hard and was glad that the room had been dark. He couldn't stand to see Levi like that. 

While Levi smoked, he massaged his leg with his free hand. The ache had not given up. It needed to be elevated, and Levi leaned back in the chair to put his feet up on the desk. Erwin walked over and lifted the window next to them. He then sat on the edge of the desk. 

“Don't wear your uniform tomorrow,” Erwin said. “Even without the belts.” Levi dragged on the cigarette and passed it to Erwin. 

“So what am I supposed to wear then?” 

“What you're already wearing,” Erwin said. “I couldn't find a jacket of yours. So I brought a coat of mine you can borrow.”

“It's too big,” Levi insisted. 

“You can't go to a hearing in just a shirt and pants,” Erwin said. Levi rolled his eyes. Erwin smiled and dragged on the cigarette. He released the smoke and passed the cigarette to Levi. After an inhale, Levi picked the letter up from the desk. 

“Burn this for me,” Levi said while exhaling smoke. Erwin didn't move and waited for Levi to change his mind. “I'm not keeping it,” Levi assured him. Erwin nodded and understood then. He took the letter gently from Levi's hand and then the cigarette from Levi's other hand to ash it in the fireplace. Without a word, Erwin took the letter to the unused fireplace and lit it with another match. 

The paper burned slowly, and Erwin watched the fire lick the paper until all of the letter had been consumed. He dragged on the cigarette and ashed on top of the burned memories. Helping Levi purge Petra's letter didn't make him feel guilty at all. It was the most righteous thing he had done all day. Any regret that Erwin felt like he might have left was in those ashes, and it didn't matter anymore.

“I want to tell you something,” Levi mentioned. Erwin turned and walked back to Levi. 

“I'm listening.” Erwin passed the cigarette back to Levi. 

“I had a dream?” Levi dragged on the cigarette.

“Yeah?” 

“Sort of,” Levi said while smoke poured out of his mouth. “I dreamed about what it would be like to raise Petra's daughter.” Of course, he didn't call her by name. 

“Were we good parents?” Erwin smiled. Levi offered him the cigarette again, but he declined.

“We gave her a good life for about 12 years.” Levi dragged and exhaled smoke. 

“She joined the Corps?” Levi nodded. 

“You let her,” Levi accused. 

“I doubt I could've stopped her if she's your daughter,” Erwin said. “I'd risk finding a knife against my neck while I'm sleeping if I didn't give in to her.” The gray eyes raised to Erwin and stared. 

“You're so fucking smart,” Levi grimaced and looked away. “It would annoy me more if I didn't love you.” Erwin grinned. It felt strange to hear Levi admit that during a moment of strength. Normally, Levi would only be able to say it during a moment of weakness. He took it to mean that he was forgiven. 

“Levi.” Levi looked up at him again. “It would be more effective to elevate your leg if you were laying down.” Levi exhaled smoke and looked around for an ashtray. When he didn't see one, Erwin offered his hand. Levi frowned, but Erwin took the stub of cigarette that was left. Then, he closed the window he had opened. “Do you want me to carry you?” 

“Fuck no,” Levi said. Carefully, Levi lifted his legs off the desk and put his feet back on the floor. Erwin turned and tossed the cigarette in the fireplace. Then, he turned back around and offered Levi his arm. Gladly, Levi braced himself on Erwin's arm and he stood from the chair. It hurt to even stand, and his grip tightened on Erwin's arm. 

“Levi,” Erwin said. Levi glared up at him. “I'm going to carry you.” Erwin didn't wait for a response before he bent down and picked Levi up bridal style. There wasn't any verbal retort from Levi, and Erwin tried to make sure it didn't look like he was enjoying this even though he was. 

Erwin blew out the candle and walked through the dark room to the door. He had to bend his knees to reach the doorknob in the dark. When he opened the door, light flooded into the room from the lamps in the hallway. 

Before Erwin stepped out into the hallway, he looked both ways to make sure no one would see Levi like this. When he was satisfied that everyone was in bed, he walked into the hallway. 

“Which way is the room you're using?” Levi jutted his thumb to the left, and Erwin took the direction. Erwin looked down at Levi to see that the man had closed his eyes, and his face was red. He wasn't sure whether Levi was embarrassed or enraged, and he didn't want to ask. “You'll have to point the room out to me.” 

“Your old room in the officers' quarters,” Levi grumbled. Erwin smiled. 

“That's such a far walk from the basement though,” Erwin teased. 

“Shut up.” Erwin didn't say anything else on the matter. 

The walk to the room was brisk, but Erwin tried to not walk roughly and jostle Levi. He wanted to lay Levi down as soon as possible. 

When Erwin opened the door to the room, it was dark. He remembered the room though. Closing the door behind him with his foot, Erwin stepped to the right cautiously. When he thought he was closer to the bed, he slid his feet across the floor until his shin his the edge of the bed frame. 

“I picked you up wrong,” Erwin said as he lowered Levi in the dark. “Your head is going to be at the foot of the bed.” 

“Doesn't matter.” Finally, Erwin felt the mattress under his arms, and he laid Levi down. He slipped his arms out from under Levi and reached into his back pocket for another match. When the match flared, Erwin looked around and saw a short candle on the round table they had left behind. He stepped over to the table and lit the candle. Shaking the match to put out the flame on the stick, Erwin looked around for a trashcan before dropping the stick on the table. It would have to wait. 

He turned back around, and Levi had already propped his leg up with the pillow. Levi wasn't laying in the bed correctly, but Erwin knew he wouldn't sleep there anyway. Gray eyes were staring at the ceiling, and Levi's black hair was spread across the bed under him. Some of it was stuck to his face from sweat. Erwin didn't understand why Levi was so warm, but he guessed it was from being sick earlier. And Levi's anger was always very physical.

“I don't guess you had time to get any pain medicine on your way out here,” Erwin said. Levi scoffed and reached up to rub his tired eyes. “Can I do anything for you, Levi?” 

“No.” Erwin saw that Levi still had his boots on. 

“I could help you take off your boots,” he offered. Levi didn't respond, but the hand that was rubbing his eyes dropped to the bed. Erwin didn't wait for Levi to argue before he moved over to the bed. First, he took the boot off of Levi's good leg. When he took the boot off of Levi's injured leg, he moved slowly, but still saw Levi wince a few times. Erwin stepped back with Levi's boots and put them by the bed. 

Then, Erwin crossed the room to the wardrobe and found a heavy, thick blanket that Levi used for when he slept in the chair. Rather than using a pillow, Levi would just bunch the blanket up around him and lay his head wherever it fell naturally. Erwin took the blanket out, closed the wardrobe doors and went back to the bed. 

“Lift up,” Erwin said. Levi carefully lifted his leg, and Erwin put the blanket on top of the pillow to elevate Levi's leg some more. When Levi lowered the leg onto the stack of pillow and blanket, Erwin saw him wince again. Erwin sat on the edge of the bed and pushed Levi's hair away from his forehead. 

“Stop fussing over me, and go to bed,” Levi said. 

“Alright.” Erwin stood from the bed, but Levi caught his hand tightly. Erwin's brows pinched together with Levi's mixed signal. 

“Lean down here.” Levi still looked angry, and Erwin didn't understand why. Even so, Erwin leaned down, and Levi leaned his head off the bed. Nimble fingers slipped behind Erwin's neck, and their lips met. Erwin had to put his hands on the bed to steady himself. Levi parted Erwin's lips and thrust his tongue inside of Erwin's mouth. Of course, Erwin met him with equal interest, but the act still felt distant. When Levi pulled away and let go of Erwin's neck, he flopped back on the bed and averted his gaze. Erwin felt his eyes scan Levi's face, but he couldn't see anything that he understood. This must be what a worried Levi looked like, and he could never remember seeing it so raw before. 

“Goodnight, darling,” Erwin said softly. 

“Night.” Levi felt his chest tighten while he waited for the next part. But it didn't come. Erwin lifted his hands from the bed, and turned to walk out of the room. Levi didn't ask for what was supposed to come next. There were very specific times that Erwin used those three words, and they were never during a time that they could be used against Levi. So Erwin had seen him go weak then. He had been too obvious. 

Erwin passed by the round table to blow the candle out. When Erwin closed the door behind him, Levi gasped for air and realized he had been holding his breath. He wished Erwin had said it. Erwin was always so careful not to use those words against him, but tonight he wanted to hear them. And he had been too weak for Erwin to want to say them. Pain flared in his leg, and he realized that his entire body was tense. Levi rolled his eyes in the dark. 

It took him a while to relax, but once he did, he actually fell asleep laying down. The elevation of his leg helped.


	3. Chapter 3

When Erwin's alarm clock rang, he shot up in bed. He had a nightmare, but he had already forgotten it. Erwin tapped his alarm clock and blinked his eyes rapidly. It had been about a Titan. That's all he could remember now. Erwin looked at the clock, and it read 0500. He still felt tired, but there was no time for another nap. 

Erwin got out of bed and began his morning routine. His hair had been wild enough from tossing and turning that he needed to shower to tame it. Once Erwin was dressed, he left his room and went to the kitchen expecting Levi to be there with tea ready. 

When he looked into the kitchen, the room was dark. Erwin frowned and shook his head. 

_“Certainly, he's not still asleep,”_ Erwin thought. _“His leg must be worse.”_ He left the kitchen and quickly walked through the large castle to the room where he had left Levi the night before. 

When Erwin opened the door to the bedroom, he stepped inside and saw Levi still laying on the bed. He was still in the same position and hadn't moved all night. It was a rare sight to walk in on Levi sleeping. The slightest sound would wake Levi up. Erwin's boots coming down the hallway should've woken Levi up. Then, the door opening was usually as loud to Levi as a gun firing. This time he didn't even flinch. Erwin closed the door behind him and took a few steps closer to Levi, just to take a look at him. He hadn't seen Levi sleep so soundly ever. Even when Levi was sick, he was easily wakened unless he was drugged. This room had so many memories for them, but this vision in front of him was now his favorite. There had been many times that he had seen Levi lay on that bed, but none of those moments touched him more than this one.

Levi's black hair was sprawled under his head, forehead exposed. Eyes were gently closed with no sign of stress. Lips were barely parted. His hands were thrown back, resting up near his shoulders, and his chest was rising and falling gently under his shirt. The shirt was pulled up a bit, and Erwin could see Levi's milky skin. It was one of the few areas that Levi was not scarred. The skin looked so smooth and soft. Rounded hip bones were exposed between Levi's shirt and pants. The trail of dark hair that led from Levi's navel to below the waistline of his pants was visible, Erwin's favorite thing to fantasize about. There was a bulge in Levi's pants. Erwin grinned. It was so beautiful to see him like that, alive and calm.

“Levi?” Erwin said softly. Suddenly, Levi sat up straight in bed and looked around, squinting his eyes. When he saw Erwin, he grimaced. 

“Fuck. What time is it?” Erwin shook his head in disbelief. 

“0530.” Levi reached up and rubbed his head. He sniffed and cleared his throat. “Are you alright?” Levi nodded. 

“Yeah,” he said. Levi reached down and rubbed his leg. It wasn't hurting anymore, and he was glad for that. “I'll be down in a minute.” Erwin didn't walk away. Levi glared up at him in confusion, and then Erwin sat on the edge of the bed. 

“You actually slept through the entire night,” Erwin muttered. “On your back.” Levi's heavy lidded eyes just stared at Erwin. He wasn't sure what to say. “I've never seen you do that.” 

“Eren is going to be up any minute,” Levi said. “Save it.” Levi was embarrassed that he had overslept. Erwin leaned in and kissed Levi's forehead.

“Good morning, Levi,” Erwin whispered. “I love you.” Erwin framed Levi's face with his hands then and leaned in to kiss Levi's lips. Levi felt a little grumpy, but having Erwin wake him up in the morning was different. He liked it. When their lips met, Levi's morning erection felt more obvious. He was self-conscious about his morning breath, but Erwin didn't seem to notice. Erwin broke the kiss just as it seemed Levi was enjoying it a little too much. 

“I love you too,” Levi muttered. He pulled away from Erwin's hands and wiped at his eyes with the heels of his hands. 

“I'll go meet Eren downstairs,” Erwin said, and he stood. “You take your time. I'll have tea ready.” Levi yawned and covered his mouth with a hand. 

“Yeah,” he grumbled. Erwin smiled down at him and then turned to leave. When Erwin closed the door behind him, Levi shook his head. There was a smirk on his face now. He wondered if he could ever learn to sleep like this again, just so he could have Erwin wake him like that.


End file.
